Fragile and anxious …(with some darkness wanting to keep it’s arms around me) I enter this circle I know is safe. We speak of language, of connections of mind, heart, spirit and body…all the “stories” we invent and occurrences that we add meaning to. We really are making it all up! And even though I have become very KFC that I ..who I am…is NOT my story or any of the stories that run thru the endless chatter of my mind…I remain “stuck” in some emotional washing machine…and the cycle is drain /spin…drain/spin.
So in laying my heart out for all to see I share this recycling that seems to have been happening more fiercely the last 3 weeks. Others begin to share similar experiences…I’m NOT alone!!!!
The seed of my darkness and my ever present weariness is the “doubt”…. As my dear Shaman says…”you have the desire but you have the doubt” . Damn..and Oh good another layer of the spiral towards freedom and the opening to Love I desire!!!
The “GIFT” I discovered was to be SEEN by the masculine, to be held by the masculine…to be touched and opened by the masculine….(a masculine with Strength and heart and a desire to serve and protect)… This allowed a feminine in me that I have only briefly touched upon or “revealed”…. The Key is in dissolving the doubt…the doubt it will never happen , the doubt no one is capable , the doubt I can’t let go, the doubt I am not SAFE….. for with the doubt in place there is NO opening…. They feed each other….
So for now..The doubt has dissolved and there is OPENING....I can be present and wild and RAW and I am gifted with being LOVED, And BELONGING!!!!!
Image via Wikipediaoh you so familiar reaction.... why don't you just go away???? you are no longer wanted... pain lof loss , of betrayal.... you are no longer welcome in my new story. you look like my old pair of jeans that once fit and were comfortable...ahhh...actually never confortable....but you were there in my clost and fit... so today is the day I take you ..my old Jeans..my old reactions and throw you back to the past and the garbage pile where you belong... OMG!! I see me some new DESIGNER jeans that are so hot and waitiing for me to slide them right on...and guess what they fit like a gLOVE!!!!!!!
Oh how easily i can be pulled back into the illusion....the past is a huge trigger...Do I just throw out all old pictures and cards..that remind me of what was and wasn't? I so want that behind me and am conflicted on the doingness of it....Is there any value? It just keeps the bundle from disappearing... it's not who I am...because who I am is always with me....... I ask for Divine guidance ...release all my tears let me move forward with the love I have discovered in me.... FREE...FREE...
I finally discovered something in my self that I could not live with out!!! I would rather die that live with out!!!! YOu guessed it LOVE, LOVE , LOVE!!!!! And the beautiful thing is I have to wait for NO ONE to embrace and dance and bathe in this LOVE!!!! My intention in this last journey was to experience the last part of the story which i re-wrote and shared and God blessed me with the most tremendous gift of this love..... what I got was that the more I gave it away the more Love moved through me... and That THAT is who I am.,...
I had a realization a few weeks ago that I hold back from my greatness.... fear or being "too much" "too bright" others feeling less than ....all kinds of ridiculous "reasons".....maybe even..my own fear of blowing myself away!!!! Okay.. I'm ready to be ALL of who I am.... the great...the bitchy... the beautiful... and the ugly....all flying on a silk of LOVE!!!!!
You didn't get me mr V for Vendetta!!!!!!!! I"ve got my own inch.....growing into a mile!!... growing.... And thanks for the opportunity to own it!!! YES!!!
Sending LOVE to ALL.... goddess rocks!!
yep!!!! joy joy joy!!!!!:
Bring on the LOVE!!!!!!
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Once and forever over all of time there lived a young girl who loved to play and run and Oh!, how she loved to laugh! Yes laughing was so joyful! She had many friends…girls and boys. She had a very happy life. Then One day she came home from school and discovered that her father (whom she loved deeply) had disappeared. Her heart was broken into many pieces. But being still very young she picked up the pieces as if they were a broken glass and put them in a bag which she put away in a special place close to her. Now she could continue her life without feeling the pain of that broken heart. Every once in a while a piece of sharp glass would poke her and she would be reminded that her broken heart was still there.
One day a man came over to visit her mother. Her mother liked this man very much. The little girl liked the man but knew there was something strange about this man, but…oh…he promised to take her Father’s place and love and protect her. She longed for that feeling so much that she showed him her broken heart.... He promised he would glue it all back together if she would do some favors for him. As he said this, hope leaped inside of her….then…he asked the favors. As he did this his form changed…his face became like a wild animal/a monster with it’s teeth bared ready to devour her. She became very frightened.... Then he reminded her of his promise to mend her heart. This she wanted more than anything else in the whole world and as she remembered this she began to dream and dream… and when she awoke the monster was gone and the man was there…But sadly he had not mended her heart.
This action repeated itself over and over and over and over again until one day she saw the monster and she did not go into the dream. Instead she watched as if floating outside her body and what she saw was more horrifying than imaginable. She watched the monster find her Special bag where she had put the pieces of her broken heart, he poured the pieces on the floor and stomped on them and shattered them even further. Horrified and finally strong enough, she screamed STOP!! STOP!!! You can't do this!!!!!NO MORE!!!
She picked up all the pieces of her now shattered heart, replaced them in the bag and left. She ran and ran and ran.... far away where he could not find her. She tried to forget ….but the now very sharp pieces of glass would poke and cut her and she would bleed all the time.
She was such a mess that she dare not go out in public and each time the glass cut her, pain would rush across her face and tears would stream down her cheeks. She was starving and hungry… so one day she left her safe cozy home to look for food. On the way she met a boy who was laughing and jumping all around her. He wanted to play with her!!! He seemed to not even notice all the bandages and wounds and blood on her. As a matter of fact when she looked into his soft brown eyes she saw a reflection…it was a sweet angel !!! …. Was this how he saw her? Could it be possible he didn’t see that her heart was gone and shattered?
For the first time in forever the young girl felt HOPE, like a spark igniting a fire inside, that began to finally warm her. Oh! How cold she had felt all those previous years.
The more they played together the hotter the fire got and like magic the sharp glass of her shattered heart began to melt. The boy again looked at the girl deeply and again she saw the reflection in his eyes of the sweet angel. This time an unknown power began to circle them, it spiraled around them and he held her in his arms tightly but ever so gently. He could feel her fear and pain and in that moment he also felt the most tremendous and deepest Love he ever imagined. The girl began to see that something strange was happening… she was afraid and calm at the same time. She trusted the boy.
Without saying a word he took the bag with the melting glass heart and put it all in his hands. He began to knead and handle it as if it were clay. He squeezed it folded it, played with it and kissed it over and over again. All the while she watched in awe. Then very knowingly he took the heart which was now in one piece and asked the girl if she would honor him and allow him to put her heart back inside her…where it belonged so that she may LOVE him as he now knew he LOVED her.
With tears in her eyes she accepted his offer. He very gently and with the most tenderness one could imagine, took the heart and put it inside the girl. The last thing he did was to hold her close and press his heart against hers and the LOVE began to flow like waterfalls and rivers between them.
They danced in this delight for many many years…always loving, playful and loyal friends and lovers.
Then, as time would have it they both began to grow older into a woman and a man. The boy was unhappy about the pain he experienced with growing. The girl who was now becoming a woman seemed to be growing farther and farther away from him. He did not understand this and he did not like it. The pain was forcing him to grow and now he was afraid…afraid if he grew up too fast And become a man... he wouldn’t be able to play again.
Now the girl who was becoming a woman felt his distance and was confused. Oh, how she loved him and seeing him unhappy was making her unhappy. She tried everything to help him but the more she tried to help the more he felt pushed to grow up. She wondered to herself, “How could this be happening? Our Love has been so strong and so good for so long…?”
Feeling helpless and more distant than ever, she became very lonely. The boy also became very lonely. Nor did he understand the distance. The loneliness ate away at the hearts of both…and soon they both became very angry. When she looked into his eyes she no longer saw the sweet angel….instead the reflection she saw a mean and controlling old woman.
One day he became so angry at the old woman that he snuck into her room while she slept and ripped the heart (the very same heart that he had forgotten he had so gently put back) right out of her chest…leaving her with a gaping bleeding hole.
After some time he looked back at the woman lying there bleeding in the bed, he realized that she was no longer that mean old woman but his beloved playmate, partner and... sweet Angel. At that moment his heart began to bleed and bleed and bleed. He felt the pain that she had felt and it was so immense he could no longer live with himself. So he laid himself on top of the woman so that once again their hearts touched. Only this time blood and pain and more blood passed between them. It seemed the blood enveloped them both.....They died together that night in the dream of blood.....
During the night , when all magical things happen and as it was approaching dawn an awareness of some sort came over the woman…was she dead?…was she in heaven?…was she alive? Where was she? She began to explore this beautiful new landscape realizing she did not know how to navigate in this new world...there was a big huge bundle next to her... so thinking it was hers she picked it up and took it with her.... so on she journeyed carrying the bundle.... as she moved from experience to experience she noticed that she became lighter and lighter....that the bundle was getting smaller and smaller. it was disappearing!!!!! she just kept letting it go as it just seemed the right thing to do. And as she did her vision began to clear and ...she saw the flowers that were her and the tress that breathed her breath and the earth that pulsed through her.... Then as she stood there in such connected ecstasy the earth began to envelope her and caress her skin with it's warm dampness and it warmed her blood with it's warmth …. It enveloped her like a cocoon..... OH...the smell was sooo familiar....then she begins to feels a very large presence.... so big and yet again familiar... then she heard her real fathers voice say “My child...I SEE you...I have NEVER left you and you have NEVER had a glass heart...you only thought you did...” AND then she woke from the dream … she lay there breathing and breathing and feeling her breath and then she felt a pulsing in her chest ...a beating in her chest it was her heart!!!! and she lay there and felt and listened carefully.... then it pulsed thru her veins and raced thru her whole body and an ecstasy of pure Love filled her and it was a Love that she had never felt before.... and it was HERS...til the end of time!!
